Welcome, weary traveller. You have chosen to spend time at Hairball Haven, a place where the pace is slow, the lighting is dim and the staff will not make eye contact if you do not wish them to. This guide will prepare you for your first day.
Arrival
Please arrive at the front desk, which is a large flat cushion. Madame Fluffernutter Voss will greet you with a slow blink and a gentle sniff. If she flicks her tail twice, you have been accepted. If she flicks it three times, you may be asked to wait in the hallway while she consults a sunbeam.
Your robe
Each guest receives a robe on arrival. It is made of soft fabric and is already covered in fur. You may not take it home, although most guests do, and we have stopped counting. We encourage you to wear it with confidence, which can be achieved by loosely draping it across one shoulder and sitting on the rest.
The schedule
- Morning: gentle stretching, followed by a nap
- Late morning: a hydration ritual, followed by another nap
- Midday: a light lunch, which is a small spoon of something pink
- Afternoon: treatments, including massage, steam and quiet staring
- Evening: reflection, which is a nap with eyes open
The facilities
Our spa includes a warm room, a cool room and a room that is simply a box. Most guests spend the majority of their stay in the box. We do not know why, but we have stopped asking, because the box is happy.
There is also a plunge pool, which is a bowl. We ask that guests refrain from plunging in the strict sense, and limit themselves to dipping a single paw and then withdrawing it with an expression of regret.
House rules
We keep rules to a minimum, as rules are tense. Please do not run, unless it is three in the morning. Please do not raise your voice, unless it is a yowl of deep and sincere release. Please do not knock anything off the shelves, with the exception of the candle, which has been placed there on purpose.
A final thought
You have come to release, restore and rehydrate. We will help with the last of these, as the water bowl is very close. The first two are up to you, and to a pillow.
Welcome to Hairball Haven. Please be quiet, unless you are not.
