FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Hairball Haven Recovery Spa is pleased to announce the launch of its Silent Retreat, a three day programme of deep calm and mild confusion. The retreat is designed for cats who wish to escape the noise of everyday life, such as vacuum cleaners, doorbells and each other.
The programme
Guests will arrive on Friday afternoon and surrender their voices at the front desk. These will be placed in a small basket and returned on Sunday. Over the following days, guests will take part in a series of calm activities, including slow blinking, gentle staring and contemplation of the middle distance.
The exception
The retreat is silent, with one notable exception. At 3 AM each night, all guests will be invited to take part in a short and spontaneous yowl. The yowl is not mandatory, but it is strongly expected. “We believe in balance,” said Madame Fluffernutter Voss. “A day of silence must be followed by a night of unprompted noise.”
Sample schedule
- Friday evening: opening circle, in which nobody speaks and everyone sniffs
- Saturday morning: gentle yoga, a stretch and a flop
- Saturday afternoon: silent lunch, followed by silent seconds
- Sunday morning: closing circle, in which everyone looks at the door
- Sunday night: the great yowl, a farewell to silence
Accommodation
Guests will be housed in private quiet rooms, each fitted with a bed, a window and a single cushion that is not to be touched. The windows overlook a bird feeder. We do not guarantee that guests will remain silent while watching it.
Reaction
Early bookings have been strong. “I am looking forward to a weekend where nobody asks me anything,” said Marguerite, a tortoiseshell and regular guest. “I will also be asking nobody anything. It will be a wonderful exchange.”
Availability
Places are limited to twelve guests, though if more arrive we will find a corner. Booking is by sitting near reception for a period of hours. Members of staff will notice you eventually.
About Hairball Haven
Hairball Haven Recovery Spa is a fictional retreat devoted to release, restoration and rehydration. It has welcomed thousands of guests and is deeply sorry for the noise.
